We all want, above all, to be heard. A perfectly tuned conversation is a vision of sanity a ratification of ones way of being human and ones way in the world., 30. shelved 44,507 times Showing 30 distinct works. } else { Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. He said, 'To you it seems to be discussion of personal details about people known to the conversationalists. For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.
Deborah Tannen Quotes (Author of You Just Don't Understand) - Goodreads V choose the ones that are most thought-provoking. Many women could learn from men to accept some conflict and difference without seeing it as a threat to intimacy, and many men could learn from women to accept interdependence without seeing it as a threat to their freedom., We all want, above all, to be heard. Deborah Tannen. He is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy. Event.observe(window, 'load', function() { var showBlogFormLink = document.getElementById('show_external_blog_form'); B You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, p.27, Harper Collins, Deborah Tannen (2013). Its important to remember that others ways of talking to you are partly a reaction to your style, just as your style with them is partly a reaction to their style with you., 50. Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball., 22. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. When people realize that in the long run you may be turning off the audiences more, even though they will look temporarily in the end they turn away, we really need to develop other metaphors and not talk about two sides, but talk about all sides. In dialogue, there is opposition, yes, but no head-on collision. Not surprisingly, since they did not yet know each other well, she worried about whether she could trust him, whether their relationship would destroy her independence, whether this relationship was really right for her.
Deborah Tannen the Sociologist, biography, facts and quotes The argument culture urges us to approach the world-and the people in it-in an adversarial frame of mind.
Deborah Tannen - In some ways, siblings, and especially To me, its a discussion of the weaknesses, character flaws, and failures of third persons, so that the participants in the conversation can feel superior to them. It might seem at first surprising that when I studied women and men talking at work, I found that women interrupted each other more often than men did when they were in all-women conversations. Just a moment while we sign you in to your Goodreads account. The most important lesson to be learned is not to jump to conclusions about others in terms of evaluations like dominating and manipulative., 46. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT? The result can be a conflagration whoosh. Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. So with friends, there is less likelihood of a few words triggering associations from childhood, where our deepest emotions often are rooted. For most women, it's in between. The long history of conversations that family members share contributes not only to how listeners interpret words but also to how speakers choose them. At every age, the boys and men sit at angles to each otherin one case, almost paralleland never look directly . Say a woman tells another about a personal problem and hears in response, I know how you feel or the same thing happens to me. The resulting troubles talk reinforces the connection between them. And always accommodating can result in accepting situations one would really rather avoid. When daughters react with annoyance or even anger at the smallest, seemingly innocent remarks, mothers get the feeling that talking to their daughters can be like walking on eggshells: they have to watch every word. As he put it, he was still dizzy from having been bounced around like a yo-yo tied to the string of her stream of consciousness.In contrast, the man admitted, he himself goes to the other extreme: he never expresses his fears or misgivings about their relationship at all. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. But years of accommodating built up to mounting frustration that they both believed had contributed to their eventual divorce. When did the negative connotations of He was caught in a compromising position or She compromised her ethics replace the positive connotations of They reached a compromise? Critiquing relieves you of the responsibility of doing integrative thinking. I wouldn't say that it's hard for sisters to treat each other with respect. Many mothers or daughters assume that words only mean one thing. In repeatedly telling him what she feared about their relationship, she spoke as though she assumed he was invulnerable and could not be hurt by what she said; perhaps she was underestimating the power of her words to affect him. More men feel comfortable doing "public speaking," while more women feel comfortable doing "private" speaking. Born date June 7, 1945 The meanings of words and the uses of words come from practice from the way people in a given culture use those words. 'If I feel criticised, that has to be the whole story', and 'if I feel I am being helpful, that has to be the whole story'. Critiquing relieves you of the responsibility of doing integrative thinking., 25. More men feel comfortable doing public speaking, while more women feel comfortable doing private speaking., 17. [T]he seeds of [the Argument Culture] can be found our classrooms, where a teacher will introduce an article or an idea .
For girls and women, talk is the glue that holds a relationship together - and the explosive that can blow it apart. This is the pleasure of those magical conversations when we say just a few wordsor no words at all and feel completely understood., Second, there is a payoff in self-defense. Words spoken out of our presence strike us as more powerful, just as people we know only by reputation seem larger than life. Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. interesting, well written and has potential to enhance the readers life. For many women, and a fair number of men, saying 'I'm sorry' isn't literally an apology; it's a ritual way of restoring balance to a conversation.
Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves. A sister is someone who owns part of what you own: a house, perhaps, or a less tangible legacy, like memories of your childhood and the experience of your family. Most of us tend to focus on the first part of that process while ignoring or downplaying the second. 6 Sourced Quotes. Website. I tape-record and transcribe naturally occurring conversations. The layers of meaning combine profound connection with equally profound competition. Asian cultures place great value on avoiding open expression of disagreement and conflict because they emphasize harmony. My mother cared a lot about clothes. world; conversely, gleaning the main ideas of a book via a quote or a quick summary is We hope youll join us. T I can't tell you how many times I heard from younger sisters that their older sisters were bossy and judgmental. Each person's life is lived as a series of conversations. E Communication is a system. We are more likely to respond according to our habits than to the specifics of the situation. Showing 1-30 of 74 "Smashing heads does not open minds." Deborah Tannen 31 likes Like "A perfectly tuned conversation is a vision of sanity--a ratification of one's way of being human and one's way in the world." Deborah Tannen 17 likes Like Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. Smashing heads does not open minds. Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. P "At every age, the girls and women sit closer to each other and look at each other directly. BookQuoters is a community of passionate readers who enjoy sharing the most meaningful, Refresh and try again. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.
Deborah Tannen (Author of You Just Don't Understand) - Goodreads Our ways of relating to each other become like habits. If he's unhappy but doesn't say anything about it, his unhappiness expresses itself in a kind of distancing coldness. It's a sign of respect.
TOP 25 QUOTES BY DEBORAH TANNEN | A-Z Quotes " Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication. Science makes no pretension to eternal truth or absolute truth; some of its rivals do. Deborah Tannen. This response is just what women fear most, and just the reason they prefer to express dissatisfactions and doubts - as an antidote to the isolation and distance that would result from keeping them to themselves.The different perspectives on expressing or concealing dissatisfactions and doubts may reflect a difference in men's and women's awareness of the power of their words to affect others. If it's on the Internet it must be true. "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation", p.13, Harper Collins Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship. : how conversational style makes or breaks your relations with others, William Morrow & Co. "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation". Download or share this Deborah Tannen quote with your friends on facebook, linkedin, whatsapp, twitter, and . Deborah Tannen The one who decides who goes ahead has the upper hand, regardless of who gets to go. The dynamic of fathers and sons seems to be more around competition regarding things such as knowledge, accomplishments, expertise. It is as if their lifeblood ran in different directions. On this matter, he was clear: "I do not value my fleeting thoughts, and I do not value the fleeting thoughts of others." In my own writing, I avoid 'female' and try to say 'woman' because I feel that the word 'female' has connotations of not just biology but also non-human mammals. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. If you feel dominated, its because someone is dominating you.