YES, my first thought on reading this was Im positive CA had a wonderful response about this., Heres the link: https://captainawkward.com/2019/11/26/it-came-from-the-search-terms-cold-november-wind/. It started when Covid started as husband became WFH, or on the rare occasions he is in the office hes there on his own. We got into an argument via text message, and wife said to me "when I tell people my husband's a lawyer, they always assume you make a lot of money; every time this happens it makes me so upset because the reality is you barely make enough to pay for the credit card bills. Its also a gentle reminder that hes on a bit of a rant and to wrap it up. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. If not, a direct conversation or series of conversations about that could possibly help, or maybe some therapy. I can believe that.
Quora - A place to share knowledge and better understand the world If I just brainstorm as many positive things I can, however miniscule, it sometimes shifts my mindset enough to reset it to positive. It sounds like she needs to let of some steam (understandable) and you dont want to have an hour-long rant delivered in your direction every day (also understandable). This is not a time to talk through it she just wants to complain and wants me to listen. We agreed that we will have a short how was work conversation/vent (we dont have a time limit, but this usually ends up being no longer than about ten or fifteen minutes unless it was an unusually stressful or bad day) and then were done talking about work for the night. Give her some "gift card" money. She is pleasant with her coworkers and customers all day, but after work, look out! So I have a strict limit of 5mins to air my grievances to the world, then move on. Im pretty sure my husband could have written this letter about me a few years ago. Have you considered asking her what she wants to get out of the venting? For me, it became easier to internally triage my complaints and recognize how I could deal with them in other ways. Do you include in your budget an amount for 'personal' use? She still does it to this day and people in he life have mentioned it to her but she still does it. She might find some utility in creating a venting-specific, anonymous social media presence, if shes someone who is comfortable online. This is hard and I am sorry you are dealing with it. Is there any evidence suggesting or refuting that Russian officials knowingly lied that Russia was not going to attack Ukraine? take it out on the staff so I didnt put my husband and kids through it.. If my partner generously suggested after Id finished a full day of customer service while they did their stress-free job that I could have a whole entire hour :) thats my time :) and maybe have a little snack :) I would probably throw something. I would not recommend this app to someone who needs real, intensive therapy, but for someone who just needed a place to process and vent, it was great. Like this person: I cant remember where I read it, but a woman shared her after work stress relief ritual. A couple years ago we went to my credit union and got her a debit card to use against my checking account as she felt that if something happened to me she would not have any money. That was my experience, I thought the venting would be a stress relief but when I decided to stop venting, my evenings definitely were more enjoyable. I have very intense conversations in the shower. It helped keep work complaints in perspective, gave us the outlet to word vomit about the verbal abuse we suffered, and kept catharsis from taking over the rest of the day. Because if the answer is no, it complicates the advice. Otherwise, insist on walking away for a bit until you're both calm (and the baby is napping again.). Venting wasnt limited to dinner time and it took a massive toll on my mental health. We both got to rant in context AND confidentiality, and then we walked into our separate homes with the anxiety vented out on the open road. Is there a chance she feels any pressure from you, even unstated, to stay in this job? When I am annoyed about something at work, the best person to vent to is someone else at work, because they know all the players and the nuances of the situation. You can say on the one hand, that someone controls these reactions all day long for the sake of coworkers, so they should do at least that much for their partner in life. and I was so wrapped up in my misery from the work day I genuinely didnt realize what a negative toll my complaining was taking on my husband. Second, we have a firm rule that only one of us is allowed to hate our job at any given time :) Look, we all go through stressful, annoying, difficult times in our jobs. So, if the wife is like my ex, no amount of requests for a No Complaint Zone or a Time Out From Negativity will work for longer than a few minutes. You dont have to tell her to stop venting, just to stop venting at you. This is incredibly hard if you didnt get a chance as a kid to experience negative emotions without your parents immediately trying to solve them for you or minimize them. 6. I dont mind talking about work here and there, but it makes me sad that so much of our lives is work that people feel they dont have much else to talk about. A good therapist and listen and provide suggestions to reduce the stress and anxiety she seems to be feeling, while also reducing the burden on the OP. It sounds like your wife may not have much of a support system of buddies who are receptive to venting; though I have to emphasize that without it being a mutually encouraging two-way street, its not something just to dump on friends, either! Cookie Notice And hell, you can pick up the pace and hate walk. Its a million dollar ide. Focus on how it is impacting you, not making it about her. I always reassured them I was sorry they were frustrated and that I loved them, but I held firm at, sorry, nuthin else to say!
Wife Constantly Complaining, Being Negative! - Talk About Marriage Hes clearly said he will support my giving 2 weeks notice even if its before I find something new, and listening to my concerns about the changes. Im dealing with older relatives, one of whom has become a terrible Eeyore. At the time, she offered me the start of an out: the first payment of a course that I could use to change my career path. Group get-togethers or one-on-ones, it was exhausting to listen to endless complaints. Your wife feel safe dumping this all on you. Nothing changed. Who processes things by talking through them. Here are some reasons why people choose to stay with a partner who refuses to work. My wife then spent it. Or, if you are going to ask about work, try to ask first about positive things, that you know will be a more positive reaction.
13 Signs of a Narcissistic Husband (And What to Do) - LifeHack OP, one other thing I might mention is that this is probably a way that shes connecting with you. It does help! sometimes people can fall into a habit of just negatively venting about things to one particular person, not realizing what a burden that can be. However, you need to get yourself some emotional support where you can feel heard and unjudged. I think theres a ton of suggestions above that are amazing but maybe also gift your wife with some Brene brown books. From experience, its really no fun (at best) to feel like youre somebodys emotional dumping ground. However, Allisons suggestion to be explicit about how the complaining negatively effects you is spot on. We do our venting while we walk the dog. The response I get."you should, you are the one making the money. She is carrying a heavy load. Housewife needs allowance for any reason she wants to use it. But what I have found also works is journaling. Try using phrases like, "Let's work together to get out of this situation.". Does she want more structure and defined steps? I know that I tend to rant about what is happening in my work, but I genuinely try to find the humour and ridiculousness in it. When youre working a stress-free job and shes not, it can be easy to lose sight of how work frustrations can get to you, which isnt to say youre not sympathetic, but if shes getting that upset, it miiiight not feel like it to her. Families are so complicated. I hope you are able to have a productive conversation where she is able to explore more avenues of support. @MansNotHot technically there is nothing stopping her from going to the ATM and just getting it. If shes been complaining about her job every night during dinner for years on endshe needs a new job, full stop. Since she does have a debit card linked to what is now and has been for awhile now, our checking account, my philosophy is, if you need something just swipe the card, that is after all why she wanted it, to be able to access money in what was previously my checking account before she became an authorized user on my accounts (which at the institution is equal to joint). Originally we had our own bank accounts, she still maintains her own checking account and is now on as a registered user at my credit union on my accounts (checking, savings, special purpose and daughters account). Also since theres several of us, if someone is getting to extreme BEC-ness in their griping, its easier to gently redirect them into perhaps a more constructive mindset if things are getting out of hand. But if shes not receptive to your feedback and is unwilling to try and modify her behavior to help improve your mental health, maybe your household isnt very happy after all. I used to be a constant complainer, and while people did talk to me about it, I didnt realize how truly irritating it was until I met other negative people, and then and only then did I understand the impact. Im not saying thats how its being framed, but rather how it would feel to me. Hang up; thats disrespectful of her. As for how to bring it up, Alicia Clark, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist, said to avoid blunt criticism that might, however unfairly, make you seem like a nag. The article I read said that actually, the whole take a deep breath, count to ten, then let it go is a better strategy long-term because your body / brain dont get any rewards from being angry, so it becomes less-inclined to be angry. I agree its a habit and sometimes people seem to resort to complaints because theyre not mentally stimulated or motivated to talk about other topics. Agree with location and time limit. Heres a technique Ive picked up over th last year: if I have a stressful day thats now just sort of sitting in my brain and body, continuing to make me feel stressed, I need to complete the circle of stress. A couple things that have helped at our house: Same role, different environment? And honestly it probably is hard doing that and then coming home to someone who cant relate to that experience at all. I worked on being more efficient with my language, so when I did need to vent, it wasnt so draining to listen to. Does she complain only after work, or does she, say, complain after running errands, visiting family, etc.? Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. Ive met people like that where the grumble is so ingrained that they can barely say anything nice about anything. Its kind of cathartic to chuck a tennis ball with all your strength while complaining about frustrations. Spouse and I have had a lot of success using techniques from the Gottman method, as taught to us by a marriage counselor. Your partner refuses to work to provide for the family! In the weeks following this conversation, when my partner would complain, Id listen and then point out that a therapist might have more objective suggestions. Maybe you both need some therapy to help with communication. Maybe you feel your participation at home is solid. However, in reality: "The purpose of budgeting is to free you, not confine you. There is loads of good advice here on setting boundaries around LWs wifes venting. All of my time after work is *already* my time. On a vacation. Agreed re the time to decompress I found this easier while working in the office because in the time it took to get from office to home, that allowed me that decompress time, but while WFH, that decompress time was gone and it made things harder. It was one-way spewing. When you do it all mediate fights between the kids, run household chores, schedule doctors appointments, get everyone to bed you dont have the mental or emotional wherewithal to actually address it. But thats another issue. Plus, I find I dont fully listen or take his complaints seriously, which means Im probably being dismissive when I shouldnt be. Personally, I made the decision a couple of years ago to stop venting so much to my husband and found that the venting was keeping me mired in the negative emotions- didnt miss the venting after I stopped, it was nice to come home and not re-live the frustrations of the day. We had a baby 6 months ago and 8 months ago my wife quit working, it started to be to much on her physically and now we both like that our child is not in daycare, which means someone has to be home, this ended up being my wife as she worked part time and my income far exceeded what she earned. Power Plays. See a counselor if you can. This helped show me that these were transient complaints and I really needed to deal with my anger about them in the moment more than anything else, because simply with the passage of time I would be able to let them go.
The Advice Therapists Give When One Spouse Does All The - HuffPost And after I was gone, he realized it was up to him to change the situation? Sometimes you just need to feel validated in a complaint, and that in itself can help take the burden off. My husband helped me revamp my resume and my Linkedin profile and helped me write strong cover letters and just offered good support in general. My husband asked me one day what I was going to do about all these things I was complaining about. You: Dang, what a jerk! Often people who stay in relationships with a financially irresponsible partner dont want to seem like a failure to their family and friends. I would have used at the very most $1X to splurge on anything and using $1X to splurge on stuff largely defeats the purpose of the hobby of managing resources. When you come home from work and complain about your day, I feel sad and upset, because I dont want to see you suffering, because I dont know what to do, and because I have found that when dealing with family and feelings, being able to express things in that formula helps you to understand your own feelings and express them clearly. Telling her what she NEEDS to do (stop venting at you over dinner) probably dont have a great result though. And I dont have time to myself to decompress after work. He no longer has a dialogue with her. So put aside your judgment, and your feeling that your way is the better way and shes doing the wrong thing by complaining and focus on yourself. Within a few weeks, the meds kicked in and his job genuinely started stressing him out less, which lessened the desire to complain too. But he also does gripe about all sorts of petty (to me) things, as others have wondered about for OPs wife. They make decisions for you. You are ignoring direct and repeated moderation instructions, so I am putting your comments on pre-moderation going forward. If it is a new habit, it will take some time and a little work for it to feel natural, she said. And Peggys reaction? I felt like I was awash in gloom, and since none of them whined *too* too much individually to me, it was hard to justify asking any one of them to dial back. He knew she just wanted to let off steam. It really helps around the supper table. And dogs are really good listeners, as long as theyre sure youre not mad at *them*. I can pay attention to other things and nod and say encouraging words (per Mr. Rock: No! When I got a new job so many of the issues disappeared. Your wife is rude towards you She may openly criticize you in front of friends and family. If she used to have hobbies and doesnt now, can you encourage the hobbies again? I will say that Ive been in jobs or sitautions where I was frustrated about the same or similar things day after day-things that consistently came up but werent enough to make me quit my job. Leave the problem/situation Almost everybody needs or wants to talk through some issues, at least occasionally, to get a different perspective toward solving them. Stay positive. Tell her that you want the two of you to make US a priority again. 3. Obviously that sucks, cant wait to get back to normal scheduling. I told him that of course I want to hear how his day went, and I want him to get to vent when it was a bad day, but that the constant work talk was getting to be too much for me. Sad to say but I have distanced myself from her over the last year or so. If it was a really bad day, Ill bring him a beer or a glass of whiskey to help. Hang in there. 2. A lot of the time I am doing something else such as cooking dinner or gaming, and so its easy to listen to her. I also wonder if she is generally just a complainer? I agree with other posters that they ought not to use venting as an excuse for inaction. He Acts Better Than Everyone Else He probably goes around telling everyone about all of his "great" accomplishments. So I turned to that for my outlet. He started the conversation about me getting a new job. She might give consideration to changing jobs, but at a minimum shell be more aware of how the OP sees the situation. After a while, I became too busy with work for those get-togethers. Maybe she needs to start journaling or something that helps me sometimes because then Ive said all I need to say (but I do have to be careful not to get myself more discouraged by writing myself into a slump). If something in the status quo changes down the road and another issue of the kind arises, at least you'll already have a way to hit it up and try to address it. You can tell your wife that sometimes you get overloaded when shes talking about work. I do believe that venting can be helpful if its getting something off your chest to let it go. People take real money and convert it into fake money. Fastest way to find himself looking for somewhere else to be permanently. Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions. And while intellectually you understand its the disease, emotionally it is hard and extremely draining! Using $2X for a splurge vacation when I owed our investments $1X was stressful. It was super helpful because it was always available and I could pick it up any time I became overwhelmed by anger, anxiety, etc. I know that I would complain more if left to my own devices; my best friend and I have always bonded over bitching about whatever was going on. I think if she was someone whos on planned this way about everything, he would have noticed and not explicitly stated that hints are otherwise good. By having the discussion about it outside of the usual venting/complaint time, we were able to come to a reasonable agreement and also brainstorm acceptable conversation topics for those times when the other person has reached their limit. I understand that a daily inundation of one-sided dumping of grievances is definitely a lot. Of course, you want your wife to be able to vent to you about her problems. My wife and I have been married 4 years (United States). We do this because we refuse to believe our partner is selfish or doesnt care as much for us or the welfare of the family as we do for them. "If . Running water is usually safer to drink. Some people vent because they feel better afterwards. 2. Best of luck to you both! Its gotten to a point where we can joke about it a little, not in a passive-aggressive way but just poking fun at the habit, like I can tease him that, oh are you about to tell me about something annoying where the pros ultimately outweigh the cons so you dont actually want to change anything?. And the problem isnt the job [again, assuming shes like my ex, and *only* under that narrow assumption], its her brain. I would add, I am your spouse and I love you! Unless you used monkey123 as a password. we no longer needed grievance hour to rage at everything. Ive definitely been making an effort to vent less. I think some of us vent in lieu of trying to find strategies that might actually help because venting/complaining is easier. Sometimes it goes longer, but its over before cocktail hour is over. After all, who wants to think that they are being used by their partner or spouse? IDK if were allowed to leave links, but, OP, Google Captain Awkward cold November wind and scroll down to #7, I am so tired of hearing my husband complain about his job. Everything she wrote there is great. Some of the things that were helpful for me were: more engagement in the conversation (things like that sucks, Im sorry or yeah, it seems like they handled that really poorly), offers to help reduce my stress level in general (for example, temporarily redistributing household responsibilities), alone time and space to decompress, finding other things for us to talk about or do together, and expanding my support system/having more other people to complain to. And honestly, if you were, you would be bad at your job if you took on that role for your partner. My husband and I are both WFH, so the walk serves as a way to get out of the house, get moving, and have an away from the house space to vent about work- which keeps the negativity out of the house entirely! I try to consciously remember to limit how much I dump on my husband. It sometimes feels like you are about to physically explode with how upset you are with being forced to be in a work situation you loathe for 8+ hours a day. Maybe you agree to limit the complaining to 10 minutes. My partner and I had a similar issue (one of us is naturally chatty and one of is naturally quiet to add to the mix too). If you think that the expectation of vent-absorption is one-sided, maybe the two of you can talk to someone about better patterns of communication. That said, the OP shouldnt be the wifes only source of emotional support on this! In a situation where one person may be manipulated, I would always encourage them to get therapy first before going with their significant other.
Dealing With a Partner Who Doesn't Want Change - Verywell Mind cool, there are 17 interviews, my coworker got drunk and punched another coworker in the parking lot, I got in trouble for overstepping at work, bringing luggage to an interview, and more. To me, it was very intense stuff. I had this issue with my boyfriend (whom I live with) last year. What would do you think?, and then protect the boundary that youve set. During the most miserable/stressful times at my previous jobs, I found it really helpful to have an hour or so to decompress and take my mind off work before going home. If thats her process, then thats it. One technique is the Stress-Reducing Conversation, which allows each of you to vent to one another in a way that promotes intimacy. I get that its exhausting to listen to someone complain but its exhausting to work customer service jobs. I wonder if its only the job OPs wife complains about, or if its everything, all the time. Knowing that the venting was extra annoying to them and them knowing they were getting extra annoyed because of their history helped us both re frame how we handled the situation. Im a Fixer by nature so listening to this venting was really draining because I was trying to actively listen and problem-solve. What I am hoping for is suggestions on how to curb complaining, as well as provide more work stress-relief outlets than me at dinnertime.
She starts every time we get together and my husband and I have to stop her by finally saying, so tell me again why you dont use the job resources we sent you and your network and get the hell out of there? if its available to OPs wife, I agree with Alisons suggestion that she needs to plan a change in work environment. Its tasks like scheduling doctors appointments, making sure the kids lunches are packed, helping them with homework assignments and navigating emotional crises (everyone elses, as well as your own). (Personally tho assuming she doesnt just need to change jobs-can she use this as an opportunity to see humor in this stuff? I think hes lost the natural chances to rant about bothersome things with co-workers so its getting filtered down to me and only me instead. Im a venter married to a venter, so we have to be careful not to let it take over. And, to be honest, a lot of complaining is really a choice.